Sometime in the last few days it hit me how much I really love my son. I mean of course I've always loved him and knew I did but for months I just felt like I loved him because I knew I was supposed to love him.. Goddess that sounds horrible. I tried so hard not to be one of those women who had post partum depression that didn't acknowledge it for a long time. And I knew somewhere inside me that that's what it was/is. I am by no means over it, but it's getting better. And having River here every day really helps. Being able to pick him up and hold him and whisper I love you to him and take care of him..
But it hit me that I love him more than I have ever loved any other thing/person on this earth. He means everything to me. No matter how rough things are or are going to be.. just seeing him thrive. Seeing him growing stronger and seeing him happy. Picking him up and having him smile right at me with that big ol smile that I know it meant for me alone. Walking in to pick him up after his nap and saying Hi and him ceasing to cry because he knows I'm there. Those make up for all the hard times. Knowing that I am his mother. I am here forever. For him.. I never thought it was possible to be able to love someone this much that you've known for so little..and yet be the one to know them better than anyone else.
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