Hormones and bi-polar unmedicated SUCK.
I had a mini breakdown earlier. Doug is supposed to start work Wednesday if everything goes right.. will be the first time since October that he's been gone for more than a few hours and this time I am in charge of a little person who is having some latching issues. Doug asked what was wrong and I told him several times I was okay.. got in the car and he asked again and I told him.. then started crying and couldn't stop. It just flooded out of me. The fear of having to be here alone in the house ALL day with the baby. The being tired. The experience of the last 10 months. Everything.. I'm drained.
I don't know what I would do without Doug. He is my rock. He keeps a level head (for the most part) when River freaks out. And if he doesn't I do.. it's like we know that we can't both lose our sanity at the same time. I love him so much. He has given me so much in the last 2 years that I never thought I would have. Marriage, a baby, a husband, a friend, a life.. a family.. he has given me so much and I owe him the world.. for now all I can do is say I love you every chance I get and hope he knows how deep that goes. A friend of mine said that she never thought it was possible that having a baby would strengthen her and her husbands relationship.. but when she had her daughter that's exactly what it did.. I didn't believe her.. but now I see it's true. I am connected him. I see him in a different way now. There is nothing like watching your husband and son sleep chest to chest in the morning.. what's even better is catching it on camera *grin*
We are weaning River off the bottle slowly. The NICU insisted that he be given a bottle so they could monitor how much he was eating... then when we brought him home I was afraid that he wouldnt be getting enough and we wouldn't know it.. but I am sure he'd get enough and breastfeeding is something I have wanted to do from the moment I found I was pregnant. So we are cutting bottles from most of his day and night (except for the few hours that Doug lets me sleep and an occasional supplemental feeding if he empties my breasts and still seems hungry.. although earlier he wouldn't take the bottle afterward).
I love my son so much. it's only been a little over a week and already he means everything to me. My family. My life. I am so happy.. Thank you Doug.
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